feeling gutted and blessed at the same time

moon in tree silhouette

Many promising reconciliations
have broken down
because, while both parties
come prepared to forgive,
neither party comes prepared
to be forgiven.

—-Charles Williams



Recently, Jen Louden shared the quote above on her facebook page.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I know that in order to give kindness without being a martyr, I must also be kind to myself. To share compassion without being condescending, I must practice self-compassion. And so on.

About a month ago, I spewed my insecurities about a deep, old fear on those close to me. It was like the scene with Mr. Creosote after the wafer-thin mint in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. In the days that followed, I recalled my actions with humbling, crippling shame. And even as I did, I knew I had already been forgiven by the one most affected by it, the one I most didn’t want to hurt in that way.

Forgiveness is something I have been given, something I offer willingly to others. Um… to myself? Not so much.

I think that has to change.

 

5 Comments

  • Oh love. Fear is violent and shame-inducing and unreasonable. Don’t ever feel as though you must beg forgiveness from those who love you unconditionally — they do so because you are worthy, and enough, and perfect just as you are. Deep, old fears can be conquered in time, but those around you will love you, forgive you, and treasure you regardless of those fears.

    You are more than your fears. You are living an incredible life. You are surrounded by love.

    Forgive yourself, so you can accept forgiveness. Forgive others, so you can move on unhindered.

    • Thank you, love. My eyes are welling with gratitude for you, for your wisdom and your generosity and your kindness. You’ve helped allay even my fears about my fears. Thank you with all my heart.

      This forgiveness thing is a process. I am making progress on that path, but sometimes it takes some bush-whacking, you know? xo

  • Jet, thank you for sharing these words–for baring your truth. I have the same struggle with self-forgiveness. Some moments it’s there, but most moments it flutters away before I can fully accept it (probably because I purposely busy myself to ignore the issue). But then there are times when we get stopped dead in our tracks (like with the Williams quote). And we can use those as firm yet gentle reminders. In the words of the Buddha: “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
    Joy recently posted..Releasing LimitationsMy Profile

    • Thank you for that wonderful quote, Joy. We need reminders (and really by that I mean, I need reminders) often and well. It is a good thing to know we are not alone in this – we can witness and support each other in our shared vulnerability.

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